Greetings people and welcome back. Apologies for not writing a blog last week but quite frankly I couldn't be bothered! Hey, at least I'm honest.
Both Jess and I have started at new gyms so we've spent the past week or 2 shifting our businesses and sorting out clients and paperwork and schedules and blah blah blah, shit you don't need or want to know. We've been insanely busy basically. But my new gym is awwwwwwesome! So much bigger, cleaner, newer and quieter too so there's less posers constantly eye f#%king themselves in the mirror. That aggravates the shit outa me!!! Ok we all check ourselves out from time to time (and sometimes time and time again) but I hate those douche bags that we seem to be breeding at the moment (Zyzz wannabes) that come to the gym wearing bloody dental floss instead of a singlet, those wank $5 shoes from Big W that hurt like hell when you step on even just a pebble; spray tanned orange and shaved from neck to toe of all traces of body hair to bring out any resemblances of muscle definition ('check out my 7 inch calves brah'). Train some legs you peenarse; chicks dont find you impressive, they think you look like a complete tool, especially with that hair cut that you stole from Justin Bieber.
Geez, bit of a rant, sorry. The new gym just inspires me a whole lot more than my previous one. Guys are bigger, stronger and genuinely there to train, not just chat about shit and hog the 50 kg dumbbells, looking around the gym until someone notices that they're about to lift them. 'Spot me brah?' Not a chance mate, put them down, pick up the 20's that you may be able to lift and do it properly! In this gym people warm up on the 50's as the dumbbells go up to a monstrous set of 80kgs. Haven't seen anyone lift them yet but challenge accepted! One day I shall bench those bad boys. 20kgs to go but I'm in no rush.
So what's happened these past weeks that you might give a shit about?
JESS and I have clients competing in the INBA on the 14th September so we decided to tag along to one of their posing classes at Fitness First in Subiaco to see how they're getting on. I also decided to participate in the men's bodybuilding posing class as I need to brush up, and by brush up I mean learn what the heck I'm supposed to be doing on stage.
We've put clients on stage countless times but usually send them to external sources for posing guidance. Even so, I thought I had a pretty solid grasp on how to pose.......errrrrrr, noooooo!
Posing is harrrrrd work! It looks so simple and effortless for the pro's. Imagine trying to tense every muscle in your legs like you're actually aiming to get a cramp, squeeze your arse cheeks like you're trying your hardest not to shit yourself, keep your abs flat even though you're puffing and panting, lift your shoulders up and out, flair your lats, squeeze your chest, flex your biceps, lean forwards but stay straight, stick your bum out, OH NO I'VE GONE CROSS-EYED!!! And all with a cheesy but genuine, pearly white smile on your face. Needless to say there was no smile on my face, just a whole lot of sweat and a look of confusion and pain. Definitely a humbling experience and I left feeling slightly deflated in confidence and unsure of how I'm gonna do in this comp. Plus, I was standing between a Balinese guy ready for his 3rd comp and a South African guy in full Jantana competition tan 2 weeks out from his 3rd stage appearance. I felt like Casper the bloody ghost! Next time I'm standing next to the Irish dude. Also, the dude coaching us for posing was a white Maori so would've been a good 115kgs or more with veins in his calves as big as my thighs.
On the plus side, both of our clients looked amazing and are gonna do great in their comps.
So for the final 5 weeks I'll be practicing my posing for at least 20 mins every day, plus I still have to choreograph a routine for my individual posing round. No worries there though, I'm like the dude from Hitch, I've got the funk.......? I don't mean Will Smith though; the fat dude from King of Queens.
A bit of relief this past week was that my competition tan arrived in the post so I'm all set to become the Tango man (Aussies will have to google that I think). Also my posing trunks came too. Hmmmm, I wouldn't use 'relief' as the correct adjective when describing those bad boys. Restrictive? Confining? Really, really small and revealing? For the first time in my life I uttered the words, 'Does my bum look fat in these?' JESS thought it was hilarious and I think somewhat cute. CUTE?!?! I WANNA LOOK MEAN AND MUSCLY, NOT F#%KING CUTE!!! Luckily I was born without 2 very hindering personality traits: modesty and embarrassment. Who needs them? Leaves more room for awesome! Although I'm pretty sure I lost half my awesomeness during that posing class.
Final thing that happened last week was nearly killing myself attempting a crossfit workout recommended to me by Les Brown (that's right, I'm naming and shaming you Les!), a so-called friend and trainer at Goodlife. When he heard I was standing push pressing 110kgs for reps he said 'geez you'd be great at a crossfit workout called 'FRAN'.' Curiosity got the better of me, even though I'm openly not a huge fan of crossfit, and I said I'd give it a go on my next mid week cardio session. Bearing in mind I'm now 5 weeks out from comp, carbs are very low, body fat although not crazy lean is a lot lower than normal so stored energy is very hard to come by.
The workout sounds very simple: 21 Thrusters (a front squat, arse to the grass, into a shoulder press with a lockout at the top) with a 40kg bar, followed by 21 Kipping Pull-ups, then 15 of each and finally 9 of each and time how long it takes you to do it. Now I HATE the Kipping pull up, it's not a pull up, it's a swing up using more of a hip and leg drive than any arm or back strength. So I don't do these, EVER! Plus they're a lot easier than strict pull ups. So I chose to do the Thrusters as normal and strict pull ups. Easy. Les said sub 5 mins is a good time so with strict pull ups that was my target or there abouts. The Fran is actually pretty bloody brainless and easy. A 40kg Thruster is more of a warm up for me (there's my lack of modesty) and pull ups are always the first thing in my back workout, so I smashed Fran into the ground like it was nothing at a leisurely 5 mins 25 seconds and could very easily have gone faster. BUT, this day was supposed to be my easy, 20 mins steady state cardio day and I've just completed a crossfit workout that even crossfitters hate. So my heart is now pumping at 170bpm, I'm dripping with sweat and have next to no energy left. So I jump on the treadmill and try walk it off. Just 3 mins into my walk I'm not recovering well; I get dizzy and faint and feel like I'm gonna spew all over this brand new and very clean treadmill. I sit on the rower in front of the fan to cool down, pretty much start passing in and out of consciousness, then decide after maybe 5 mins, 'screw this, I need fresh air'. So I go collapse in our car in the staff car park and try recover. 45 mins later I'm still struggling! FRAN WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO ME!!! How can 45 Thrusters and 45 Pull ups do so much damage? I texted Les that Fran had done me over, which he thought was hilarious and was more interested in my time than my current state of health. Then I text JESS as I'm supposed to be picking her up in 5 mins but am not in a good state to drive just yet. Well, I'm glad I texted JESS and didn't phone her coz she gave me a good roasting. 'YOU'RE NOT ON ENOUGH BLOODY FOOD TO BE DOING THAT CROOSFIT SHIT YOU IDIOT!!!!' Hahaha, I'll do what i want woman! I mumbled from 10kms away so she couldn't hear me. Anyway, lesson learnt. But Fran, I'm coming for you again post competitions. Sub 5 mins, easy!
So that's my past few weeks. Changes to my body are oddly being seen on a daily basis- a new vein in my abs or quads, some small feathering here or there but I still hope that I can get a lot leaner in these last 5 weeks because I'm not satisfied with my conditioning yet. I'm so hungry all the time, even if I've just had a big meal and cravings are creeping up on me. But with 5 weeks to go I hopefully won't cave.
Pics this time didn't come out too well so just the one during training and a few of my new gym. Oh and one of the banana hammock too.
Thanks for reading. Comments are enabled now as I had them disabled before so say what you want. If its nasty I'll read it, cry, then delete it. Cheers!!!
Both Jess and I have started at new gyms so we've spent the past week or 2 shifting our businesses and sorting out clients and paperwork and schedules and blah blah blah, shit you don't need or want to know. We've been insanely busy basically. But my new gym is awwwwwwesome! So much bigger, cleaner, newer and quieter too so there's less posers constantly eye f#%king themselves in the mirror. That aggravates the shit outa me!!! Ok we all check ourselves out from time to time (and sometimes time and time again) but I hate those douche bags that we seem to be breeding at the moment (Zyzz wannabes) that come to the gym wearing bloody dental floss instead of a singlet, those wank $5 shoes from Big W that hurt like hell when you step on even just a pebble; spray tanned orange and shaved from neck to toe of all traces of body hair to bring out any resemblances of muscle definition ('check out my 7 inch calves brah'). Train some legs you peenarse; chicks dont find you impressive, they think you look like a complete tool, especially with that hair cut that you stole from Justin Bieber.
Geez, bit of a rant, sorry. The new gym just inspires me a whole lot more than my previous one. Guys are bigger, stronger and genuinely there to train, not just chat about shit and hog the 50 kg dumbbells, looking around the gym until someone notices that they're about to lift them. 'Spot me brah?' Not a chance mate, put them down, pick up the 20's that you may be able to lift and do it properly! In this gym people warm up on the 50's as the dumbbells go up to a monstrous set of 80kgs. Haven't seen anyone lift them yet but challenge accepted! One day I shall bench those bad boys. 20kgs to go but I'm in no rush.
So what's happened these past weeks that you might give a shit about?
JESS and I have clients competing in the INBA on the 14th September so we decided to tag along to one of their posing classes at Fitness First in Subiaco to see how they're getting on. I also decided to participate in the men's bodybuilding posing class as I need to brush up, and by brush up I mean learn what the heck I'm supposed to be doing on stage.
We've put clients on stage countless times but usually send them to external sources for posing guidance. Even so, I thought I had a pretty solid grasp on how to pose.......errrrrrr, noooooo!
Posing is harrrrrd work! It looks so simple and effortless for the pro's. Imagine trying to tense every muscle in your legs like you're actually aiming to get a cramp, squeeze your arse cheeks like you're trying your hardest not to shit yourself, keep your abs flat even though you're puffing and panting, lift your shoulders up and out, flair your lats, squeeze your chest, flex your biceps, lean forwards but stay straight, stick your bum out, OH NO I'VE GONE CROSS-EYED!!! And all with a cheesy but genuine, pearly white smile on your face. Needless to say there was no smile on my face, just a whole lot of sweat and a look of confusion and pain. Definitely a humbling experience and I left feeling slightly deflated in confidence and unsure of how I'm gonna do in this comp. Plus, I was standing between a Balinese guy ready for his 3rd comp and a South African guy in full Jantana competition tan 2 weeks out from his 3rd stage appearance. I felt like Casper the bloody ghost! Next time I'm standing next to the Irish dude. Also, the dude coaching us for posing was a white Maori so would've been a good 115kgs or more with veins in his calves as big as my thighs.
On the plus side, both of our clients looked amazing and are gonna do great in their comps.
So for the final 5 weeks I'll be practicing my posing for at least 20 mins every day, plus I still have to choreograph a routine for my individual posing round. No worries there though, I'm like the dude from Hitch, I've got the funk.......? I don't mean Will Smith though; the fat dude from King of Queens.
A bit of relief this past week was that my competition tan arrived in the post so I'm all set to become the Tango man (Aussies will have to google that I think). Also my posing trunks came too. Hmmmm, I wouldn't use 'relief' as the correct adjective when describing those bad boys. Restrictive? Confining? Really, really small and revealing? For the first time in my life I uttered the words, 'Does my bum look fat in these?' JESS thought it was hilarious and I think somewhat cute. CUTE?!?! I WANNA LOOK MEAN AND MUSCLY, NOT F#%KING CUTE!!! Luckily I was born without 2 very hindering personality traits: modesty and embarrassment. Who needs them? Leaves more room for awesome! Although I'm pretty sure I lost half my awesomeness during that posing class.
Final thing that happened last week was nearly killing myself attempting a crossfit workout recommended to me by Les Brown (that's right, I'm naming and shaming you Les!), a so-called friend and trainer at Goodlife. When he heard I was standing push pressing 110kgs for reps he said 'geez you'd be great at a crossfit workout called 'FRAN'.' Curiosity got the better of me, even though I'm openly not a huge fan of crossfit, and I said I'd give it a go on my next mid week cardio session. Bearing in mind I'm now 5 weeks out from comp, carbs are very low, body fat although not crazy lean is a lot lower than normal so stored energy is very hard to come by.
The workout sounds very simple: 21 Thrusters (a front squat, arse to the grass, into a shoulder press with a lockout at the top) with a 40kg bar, followed by 21 Kipping Pull-ups, then 15 of each and finally 9 of each and time how long it takes you to do it. Now I HATE the Kipping pull up, it's not a pull up, it's a swing up using more of a hip and leg drive than any arm or back strength. So I don't do these, EVER! Plus they're a lot easier than strict pull ups. So I chose to do the Thrusters as normal and strict pull ups. Easy. Les said sub 5 mins is a good time so with strict pull ups that was my target or there abouts. The Fran is actually pretty bloody brainless and easy. A 40kg Thruster is more of a warm up for me (there's my lack of modesty) and pull ups are always the first thing in my back workout, so I smashed Fran into the ground like it was nothing at a leisurely 5 mins 25 seconds and could very easily have gone faster. BUT, this day was supposed to be my easy, 20 mins steady state cardio day and I've just completed a crossfit workout that even crossfitters hate. So my heart is now pumping at 170bpm, I'm dripping with sweat and have next to no energy left. So I jump on the treadmill and try walk it off. Just 3 mins into my walk I'm not recovering well; I get dizzy and faint and feel like I'm gonna spew all over this brand new and very clean treadmill. I sit on the rower in front of the fan to cool down, pretty much start passing in and out of consciousness, then decide after maybe 5 mins, 'screw this, I need fresh air'. So I go collapse in our car in the staff car park and try recover. 45 mins later I'm still struggling! FRAN WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO ME!!! How can 45 Thrusters and 45 Pull ups do so much damage? I texted Les that Fran had done me over, which he thought was hilarious and was more interested in my time than my current state of health. Then I text JESS as I'm supposed to be picking her up in 5 mins but am not in a good state to drive just yet. Well, I'm glad I texted JESS and didn't phone her coz she gave me a good roasting. 'YOU'RE NOT ON ENOUGH BLOODY FOOD TO BE DOING THAT CROOSFIT SHIT YOU IDIOT!!!!' Hahaha, I'll do what i want woman! I mumbled from 10kms away so she couldn't hear me. Anyway, lesson learnt. But Fran, I'm coming for you again post competitions. Sub 5 mins, easy!
So that's my past few weeks. Changes to my body are oddly being seen on a daily basis- a new vein in my abs or quads, some small feathering here or there but I still hope that I can get a lot leaner in these last 5 weeks because I'm not satisfied with my conditioning yet. I'm so hungry all the time, even if I've just had a big meal and cravings are creeping up on me. But with 5 weeks to go I hopefully won't cave.
Pics this time didn't come out too well so just the one during training and a few of my new gym. Oh and one of the banana hammock too.
Thanks for reading. Comments are enabled now as I had them disabled before so say what you want. If its nasty I'll read it, cry, then delete it. Cheers!!!
YIKES!!!
Cant wait to see you in the blue shiny pants. Your mum said OMG.
ReplyDeleteHahahahaha!!!!! At the moment they're pretty frightening but I'm sure that as soon as I whack on the Dream Tan, which is like the colour of a dark wood varnish, they'll look pretty awesome! I hope. I also find it slightly disturbing that you can't wait to see me in shiny blue pants......?
ReplyDelete